Richard Hogan: How to set boundaries with adult children living at home

Recent statistics show that more than 60% of people in their 20s still live at home.

This new trend can be incredibly rewarding, because parents get to have a deeper relationship with their children; and there can be divesting of chores and help with bills, which significantly decrease the burden on parents.

So, it can be a truly wonderful time.

However, if not managed properly, this living arrangement can cause lifelong family rifts.

The first thing to consider when living with your adult children is that there need to be boundaries.

Good fences make good neighbours, said poet Robert Frost.

Good boundaries make good relationships. Defining expectations is such an important conversation to have with your adult child. This will prevent them from returning to childhood routines and habits and also prevent the parent from becoming the primary caregiver again.

This will guard against future strife, because everyone knows what to expect.

Those boundaries will eradicate unpleasant surprises. This is an important conversation to have. Parents often let the dynamic unfold without any conversation and then resentment and conflict develop.

Boundaries are never static; they are malleable and move as your child grows. You cannot apply the same rules you did when they were an adolescent; those rules must change to allow for your adult child to have more freedom.

Much of the conflict in this dynamic is when parents try to exert too much influence over their adult child or they are overly vigilant. The son or daughter may be living at home, but they are an adult now. And you have to allow for this. Having a conversation about the rules you expect them to follow will decrease the chances of conflict.

Rules such as: Tell us if you’re not coming home, so we are not waiting up; tidy your own room; wash your own clothes; you don’t bring someone home that you randomly meet in a nightclub; and you don’t cook late at night, because this is potentially a safety issue.

And parents must give their adult children privacy: Don’t be judgmental about their life choices. Give them room to make mistakes.

Once these boundaries are established, everyone knows what to expect from each other. There won’t be any surprises and parents won’t feel like they are being exploited. This is very important.

Families often don’t have these conversations because they think it might cause conflict or might be awkward, but not having this conversation causes conflict and increases the chances of bumping into a random person walking down your corridor in the middle of the night... now that would be awkward.

If you have an adult child who has ‘failed to launch’, there are important steps you can take to help them back to their adult life.

Failure to launch refers to a child who struggles to hold down a job, who finds it difficult to compromise and who is in a dynamic of enmeshment with their parents. They need their parents to help regulate their emotions.

When this occurs, it is important that we don’t judge the adult child. Judgment will further increase their lack of self.

A person in this type of situation will have very low self-esteem, and they will be more prone to depression and inertia, because they have no concept of themselves and their competence.

The first important thing to do is to try to get them a job. Small steps are the best way forward. A job will help to increase their sense of themselves. They will meet new people, make new friends and they will start to earn money. This will expand their competence.

Get your child to do chores when they are young. This will prevent low esteem later. All the research shows that children who do chores and who develop an understanding of money live far happier lives than children who believe that everything will be done for them.

We must fight against depleting our children’s competency and agency. They must learn. We all have to do chores we don’t like and we all must get up and go to work. When these messages are disrupted in adolescence, it can cause all sorts of problems in adult life.

Getting your adult child back in to work, and slowly building their confidence, will significantly help them progress to a healthy life, where they value themselves. No young adult wants to be stuck up in their bedroom. That is not thriving; that is someone living in fear.

It is harder than ever to buy a house in Ireland. So, it is very normal for our children to live with us for longer than previous generations and in to their adulthood.

Having boundaries established will decrease tension and conflict within the home.

It will also allow everyone in the family to have clear expectations of each other.

This will allow for you all to have a special time together, before your adult children move on with their own lives.