Colman Noctor: Love is not enough when raising teenagers 

At first glance, Adolescence captivates with its innovative format. Each episode is shot in a single unbroken take. There are no cuts, no distractions — just raw, immersive storytelling that places viewers at the heart of this family’s emotional storm.

The third episode, where a psychologist assesses the 13-year-old protagonist Jamie, unfolds like a stage drama: quiet, contained, yet emotionally explosive.

The themes related to the modern crisis of masculinity are eerily familiar to many young teenage boys. 

These sessions often contain feelings of confusion, pain, and anger. The online world weaponises rather than soothes these emotions. One of the most poignant moments comes when the psychologist asks Jamie, “What does being a man mean to you?” His answer, or lack thereof, is striking.

There is a common misconception about the type of teenager who is susceptible to the ideologies of the online incel movement. Some people might assume these communities are occupied by the jocks in the locker room, whose banter can often contain misogynistic themes. 

But these boys are not the teenagers usually lured into incel ideologies because they are likely to be popular. It is the boys on the parameters, who lack social status, that are more likely to be seduced by these communities and perhaps become radicalised.

The inability of adults to recognise which young teen boys are susceptible to incel groups is disturbing. In Adolescence, Jamie is not from a broken home. He has loving parents. His life looks normal. And yet, we discover he has committed an act of unthinkable violence.

This isn’t a story of a ‘bad seed’ or an obviously troubled young boy. It’s about the slow, nearly invisible way a teenager can slip away, emotionally and psychologically, when their online world goes unchecked.

In one scene, Jamie’s mother recalls how he would come home from school, head straight to his room, and spend hours on his computer. For many parents, this might feel eerily familiar. But what Adolescence reveals is that behind closed doors, the toxic digital culture of the manosphere was quietly radicalising him.

The series doesn’t hammer home the manosphere message; it is subtle. We pick up Jamie’s descent into darkness is fuelled, in part, by misogynistic online content and incel ideology. While the show doesn’t dive into specific platforms or influencers, it implicates the algorithm-driven corners of the internet where vulnerable boys are taught that anger, control, and even violence are synonymous with masculinity.

The show highlights how these digital pathways are often invisible. Teenagers aren’t discussing incel ideas at the dinner table. They’re absorbing them late at night on YouTube, in Reddit threads, through TikTok videos and Discord chats. 

And by the time many parents notice a shift in behaviour, it may already be deeply ingrained.

One of the most concerning aspects of this series is the stark reality that love isn’t always enough. Jamie’s parents love him. They try. But they are also distracted, stressed, and at times in denial. Adolescence reminds us that love must be accompanied by presence, awareness, and action.

Healthy masculinity

Director Philip Barantini, a father, has spoken to GQ magazine about how drastically life has changed since his youth. Conflicts that once ended in the schoolyard now follow young people home, amplified and distorted through their screens. Parents can’t protect their children from these influences unless they’re aware of them, and Adolescence is a wake-up call to start paying attention.

The show doesn’t offer easy answers, but it highlights how starved young men are for healthy, grounded models of masculinity. Too often, those voids are filled by online personalities who peddle dominance, resentment, and misogyny as masculine virtues. For parents, especially fathers, this presents an urgent challenge. 

The modern world does not clarify how fathers can model healthy masculinity to their sons. Emerging contemporary versions of healthy masculinity tend to rightly reject traditional gender norms that define men as strong, dominant, or unemotional. 

Instead, they are encouraged to embrace a broader, more inclusive view of masculinity that allows men to be caring, nurturing, and diverse in their roles. While this shift is welcome, there appears to be no clear distinction between this version of masculinity and healthy femininity.

The traditional ideas of masculinity I was taught growing up included holding a door open for a woman, offering up your seat to a woman, and stepping in and protecting a woman if she is in any danger. However, these masculine, well-intended acts of kindness are no longer acceptable to teach young boys, as they risk being misinterpreted as patronising or controlling.

Many boys I speak to are crying out for some direction or guidance on how to be a man. The absence of explicit guidance on how to be a man has offered opportunities for manosphere influencers to provide their distorted examples of masculinity to vulnerable teenage boys.

Without clear guidance on masculine roles, fostering emotional intelligence and empathy are among the most powerful tools we as fathers can give our sons to prevent them from falling into these harmful circles. Role modeling emotional intelligence will help your son understand and manage his emotions, making him less susceptible to extremist ideas.

Most of the harmful ideologies in the manosphere are built on resentment and the objectification of others, particularly women. So, teaching empathy and the need to respect others can help counteract these attitudes. 

As these divisive communities often rely on echo chambers and distorted logic, teaching your son to question the content he consumes and challenge any ideologies that sound too simplistic or divisive could help him avoid harmful influences.

Unregulated online world

Adolescence isn’t just a gripping drama about toxic dark influencers; it’s a conversation starter about the wider issues of children having unfettered access to an unregulated online world. It is crucial for parents, educators, and mental health professionals to emphasise proactive connection.

Instead of trying to manage the various crises our children encounter online on social media platforms, let us delay their access to these platforms until they have the necessary skill sets to navigate this Wild West environment.

If we are to take anything from this Netflix series, perhaps it is to be curious about our teenagers. Ask questions about what your child is watching, reading, or engaging with online. Create a space where they feel safe to share even uncomfortable truths.

We need to reflect not just on our children but on ourselves. What unspoken expectations are we placing on our sons? What blind spots do we have about gender, violence, and online culture?

Conversations about gender expectations are essential; start early and keep the conversation going. The depressing reality, according to an Eir study earlier this year, that 27% of six-year-olds have their own smartphone means we need to have these conversations earlier and earlier, as children are exposed to online content at an early age, so introducing these concepts at developmentally appropriate levels in primary school may be required.

Adolescence is not an easy watch, but it feels necessary. Its impact lingers far beyond its four episodes. It’s a powerful reminder that adolescence is not just a stage of life — it’s a battleground. The stakes are high, the challenges are complex, and the role of a parent has never been more vital.

• Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist