Esther McCarthy: Odes to Irish mammies of all types, from cool moms to mothers-in-law

Wouldn’t it be great if there were verses for all the different types of mammies out there?

To the involved mother-in-law

You said you trusted me with your precious child,

But your constant digs are not so mild,

Thanks for checking if he’s getting his dinner,

And for the daily reminders I picked a winner,

Now I’m pregnant and fat with our first, I must confess,

I don’t really care you can still fit in your wedding dress,

It’s so touching you’re worried that your son looked tired,

But as my pregnancy coach, consider yourself fired,

We’re changing the locks, please take the hint,

Your son isn’t so perfect, you mad old bint!

Our next Mother’s Day, it’ll be cards for me alone,

Because I plan to put you in a nursing home.

To the cool mom who’s not a regular mom

I’m twenty, you’re forty, we look like twins,

We celebrate everything, the losses, the wins,

I love that we are the best of friends,

The list of things we have in common never ends,

It’s so cute that you bought that dress in Rixo,

And you plan to wear it to our next disco,

My friends think you’re so much fun,

You call them dope, and babe, and hun,

You love it when people think we’re sisters,

But maybe it’s time we got ourselves misters,

Look, the truth is mum, you’re not bringing the vibe,

And you’re ruining my chance of getting the ride,

Maybe you don’t have to come to the pub,

Why don’t you join a nice walking club?

To the perfect Irish mammy (this can only be given by sons)

You iron my clothes, you wash my floor,

It doesn’t matter that I’m forty four,

I’ll always be your precious little pup,

You still make whale noises to gently wake me up,

If anything upsets me, to my side you do race,

You still spit on your hanky to wipe my face,

My friends think I should have moved out by now,

Remember that ex who called you a controlling cow?

You say no one will ever look after me like you so well,

As you cut my toenails, and rearrange my hair gel,

I love you mammy, everyone else is a farce,

Thanks for thinking the sun shines out my arse.

To the juggling mother, one step away from a nervous breakdown

Dad said we had to make you this card,

He shouted at us “it shouldn’t be too hard”,

Just because he forgot it was this Sunday,

And you get to stay in bed for the whole day,

Don’t forget we have GAA, tennis, karate, and gym,

And you promised me last week you’d teach me to swim,

There’s also a special dinner to make for nanny,

And dad said he forgot to get the voucher for granny,

My bum bum itches and it doesn’t feel nice,

And did you get the letter from the school about the lice?

Dad says the washing machine is stuck,

He said lots of bad words, just his luck,

Maybe you could get up because the dog looks sicky,

Dad says it’s because he keeps licking his mickey,

Sorry that me and my baby sister burnt the toast,

We were fighting over who loves you the most,

It’s me and I made you pancakes that are yummy,

I used every pot and pan, but who will clean them, mummy?

To the mother who feels she doesn’t get enough attention

Dearest mama, I pray you enjoy this missive,

I’ll wait to hear if the “thank you” is passive aggressive,

You’ll insist that really there was no need,

Don’t I have my own children to clothe and feed?

You’ll say “haven’t they gotten so tall”,

Sure you can’t remember the last time I gave you a call,

You only gave me life, you’ll say with a sigh,

And remind me that when I were small, all I did was cry,

You’re taken for granted, I know you think,

But is it really my fault you’ve taken to the drink?