Sex File: I keep getting crushes on random men who aren't my husband

Your friends are right. Increased libido and sexual fantasy are a relatively common phenomenon during perimenopause, but it is not something that women talk about too openly. Post your question on an online chatroom and it's a whole different story. 

You'll find floods of perimenopausal women anonymously discussing their sudden and inexplicable attraction to a neighbour or a random work colleague.

There is actually a sensible biological explanation. Perimenopause (the transitional period leading up to menopause) typically begins when a woman is in her forties and lasts until she has not had a period for 12 consecutive months, which is defined as menopause. During that transition female hormones can go a bit crazy. 

Although the overall trajectory for oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone is one of decline, they don't fall in a linear pattern, nor do they fall in the same ratio, or at the same time.

A US study tracked the changes in estradiol (the primary form of oestrogen in your body during your reproductive years) and testosterone in 3,302 premenopausal and early perimenopausal women. It found that age-adjusted estradiol levels decreased by an estimated 12% each year, whereas total testosterone declined by just 3.1% each year.

Testosterone plays a crucial role in libido and although women make much smaller amounts of it than men, during the transition to menopause the imbalance between oestrogen and testosterone can cause a surge in libido, which is why you suddenly find yourself with crushes on random men.

Although I can understand why you might not want to share your fantasies about other men with your husband, what man wouldn't want to know that his middle-aged wife was suddenly really, really aroused? 

Find the right moment and use humour to explain to your husband that you are thinking about sex all the time. Reassure him that it is a temporary phenomenon related to a hormonal imbalance in the run-up to menopause and because it won't last for ever, you should make the most of it. 

I am sure he would be delighted to oblige. Having more sex with him would stop you fantasising about other men, and it would give your relationship a real boost at a time when some couples find their sexual frequency is falling off a cliff.

Regular sex will also benefit your sexual health because arousal increases blood flow to the genitals and keeps the vaginal tissue healthy as you move into menopause. It also makes you happy, and that's important because research conducted at the Karolinska Institute in Sweden found that women who were more pessimistic about menopause experienced much worse symptoms, whereas women who were more optimistic had far fewer menopausal symptoms.

Send your questions to suzigodson@mac.com .