Secret Diary of a Gen Z Student: New rules for dating keep us all apart

Back in my day, you’d be dropped down to the local nightclub or GAA club, having spent days building up the layers of fake tan, finding the perfect black mini skirt to pair with your Converse, and watching YouTube tutorials on how to apply fake eyelashes and nose contour. That sweaty GAA club really was the place to be. They didn’t play slow sets, just a few One Direction remixes. 

All the while, people would traipse around the dance floor, trying to play match maker for their friends. You’d get a nudge and some boy would shuffle over and ask if you were interested in his friend, as he pointed at a nervous figure over his shoulder. 

‘Do you want to shift my mate?’ was the usual choice of phrasing. I’m squirming with the awkwardness of it, as I type that. But I have to give us credit for the active consent. It was all a bit chaotic. And we learned a lot in those moments.

But something has certainly changed in the dating landscape since my disco-going days. If you find yourself in a pub on a Friday night now, you’ll see a lot of socialising. But the ritual of guys walking over to chat up girls at the bar is not what it used to be. Of course, the introduction of the dating app has been a major player in that.

In my parents’ day, the pub on a Friday night was the dating scene. Now, that has relocated to Tinder, Hinge and Bumble. Sure, the apps seem pretty efficient. You can swipe through every eligible bachelor within a 10km radius, without ever having to get off your sofa.

There’s also the added bonus that being rejected isn’t something you have to worry about. If someone decides not to match with you, the app won’t tell you.

So, the risk that we associate with approaching someone new is eliminated by the dating app. That’s all grand. But there is something wrong if an entire generation is so fearful of rejection they won’t approach the attractive person sitting beside them in a bar.

One thing I regret that has happened to the rules of dating for people my age is the idea that there are only very specific instances in which you can approach someone that you might find attractive. 

It’s no wonder that some statistics suggest 45% of men between 18 and 25 have never approached someone in real life for a date. I think these rules are the reason that so many guys will avoid trying to chat someone up in real life.

A lot of really nice, regular guys are worried that they’ll be perceived as creepy, if their attraction is not reciprocated. I’ve heard so many guy friends talk about this worry. Even if they’re just trying to strike up a conversation, the idea that it won’t be interpreted in the way they intend it is enough to stop them from attempting in the first place. 

Like, unless they’re wearing an ‘I’m single’ t-shirt, it’s inappropriate to try to chat to someone at all. At the same time, 74% of women aged 18 to 25 say that they would like to be approached more often.

And then we all see the increasing loneliness of a generation disappearing in to our phones. A lot of the rules we’ve put in to place around dating aren’t actually very helpful. That it would be seen as odd to try to talk to someone while you’re both waiting on the bus, or while you both happen to be sitting in the same café, or browsing the same section in a bookshop, is an unfortunate reality.

If you’re putting yourself out there in any way, of course, there’ll be an element of risk associated with that.

But I can say that any time I’ve been approached in real life, it has always made a far greater impression than someone responding to an Instagram story or using a cheesy chat-up line on an app.

Even when I was 13 years old at a disco, I was always impressed by the guys that didn’t need their friends for assistance. Maybe we could do with more of that attitude and a little less time spent swiping.