Spring brings endless ‘How to Get Beach Body Ready’ articles, as if we must remind ourselves that our Christmas chocolate still lingers around our waists.
After barely surviving the ‘New Year, New You’ pep talks, who wants another hit to their self-esteem? There’s that nagging fear of getting wedged in a water slide.
But with only eight minutes of sun in Ireland, let’s talk realistic beach-day prep.
1. Master cold-water endurance
Why bother sweating it out under fluorescent lights in a gym when you can endure the icy Atlantic? Become the human equivalent of a seal on a mission by hopping into the local waters for a daily dip, or just practise submerging your feet until the pins and needles become your new best friend.
Bonus: The lumps and bumps you are worried about will numb in the cold. You’ll forget all about them (because, you know, frostbite distracts you).
2. Join the Navy Seals (sort of)
If you want the gold, join an extreme training camp — like the Navy SEALs! But not for the strict workouts — oh no. We’re here for lessons in standing on a frigid shoreline, holding a 99 ice-cream cone, and keeping your teeth from chattering onto the sand.
If you can keep that whipped cream perched atop its wafer while the Atlantic breeze assaults your spine, you’ll be capable of handling any Irish beach day. (You’ll look tough in photos — even if your lips turn blue.)
3. Develop a ‘wardrobe’ strategy
You won’t be strutting around in a bikini or Speedo for long anyway. Between the gusty winds and the occasional hail shower (we live on a small island in the North Atlantic), you’ll likely end up in an oversized hoodie within five minutes.
So why kill yourself at the gym when you can buy a gloriously enormous beach towel-poncho hybrid that conceals and reveals on your own terms? Trust me, a Celtic tan never needed more than a reliable cover-up.
4. Perfect the Irish pose
When someone says ‘photo op’, we’re told to think of a glowing smile against a sunny background. But in Ireland, the typical beach selfie is more like squinting eyes streaming with tears from the gale-force winds, while your hair has decided to audition for the role of seaweed.
Instead of slogging through a million squats or press-ups, learn to hold your posture against horizontal gusts, while balancing a bag of Tayto.
5. Sandwiches à la sand
Slapping a good dollop of mayo on some bread, scattering in your choice of fillings, and then dusting it with a teaspoon of fine beach powder? Divine. (Ok, maybe not ‘divine’, but memorable.)
And do consider your fillings carefully: A softer filling (think cheese or ham) might highlight that gritty texture, while something crunchy — like crisps — could disguise the sand even more.
There’s nothing quite like playing ‘Sand or Crisp?’ at lunchtime. Start with a teaspoon daily, so your digestion system can cope as you wolf down that last ham sambo on Inch Beach.
6. Learn the seagull standoff
Forget about toned abs; the real battle at an Irish beach is man versus seagull. These feathered mercenaries have a sixth sense for ice-cream cones and crinkly crisp packets.
Prepare yourself by mastering the ‘seagull standoff’ art —that intense, eyebrow-raised glare that silently communicates, “Look, mate, I bought this 99 with my last euro, and I’m not afraid to scream if you come any closer.” Practise in your garden by staring down any pigeon that dares to waddle nearby.
7. Dance the towel tango
Changing in and out of your soggy togs on a blustery Irish beach is a sacred rite of passage. It involves a nimble dance of wriggling under a towel while the wind fights to expose you to the world.
Begin each morning by practising your ‘towel tango’ in front of the bathroom mirror. Pro tip: Pinning your towel with your elbows while hopping on one foot requires excellent core strength — and it’s more fun than doing sit-ups.
8. Learn the ‘Cloud spotter’s shuffle’
Prepare for meteorological mayhem by perfecting a quick transition from ‘sunbathing’ (for all of seven seconds) to ‘running for cover’.
Beach prep in Ireland isn’t about bronzing; it’s about speed. Upon spotting a dark cloud creeping in from the horizon, you must gather your towel, flip-flops, and dignity in three swift moves.
Imagine it as high-intensity interval training — only you’ll be fleeing sideways rain, not timing your laps.
9. Develop the windblown hairdo
Skip pricey salon treatments for beachy waves. Irish beaches offer a free, high-intensity styling session — just step outside on a gusty day.
You’ll have that ‘freshly assaulted by nature’ look in mere seconds.
The key is owning it: Push your hair back into place, grin through the strands plastered to your face, and pretend that’s exactly the style you wanted. If anyone asks, call it ‘The Wild Atlantic Way Chic.’
10. Embrace the ‘two-hour-holiday’ philosophy
The beauty of an Irish beach outing is that it doesn’t have to be all day. If the weather turns, you can pack up and hop in the car, satisfied you’ve got your fill of bracing air.
In fact, sometimes the best tactic is embracing the ‘two-hour holiday’ — enough time to get soaked, freeze, laugh at yourself, and scurry home to the kettle.
It’s not that you can’t get fitter — just don’t get swept in to the usual ‘summer body shame.’ Embrace your inner (or outer) (yes, I’m watching Severance) ‘white whale’ and, for the love of all that’s holy, try not to get stuck in a water slide (again, apologies to the staff at Center Parcs).
