Moments of my life: Donal Ryan on arm-wrestling, meeting his wife, and bad dinner parties

I said, I better let him win. Now, he might have won anyway, it was pretty deadlocked at the time, and I was starting to feel a bit of pain, I was starting to panic a small bit. I suppose I still claim that I've never been beaten because I do half believe that I let him win.

When you were in the right place, at the right time?

When I met Anne Marie [wife]. It did seem very fortunate and I remember meeting her again a few weeks later by chance in Clohessy's pub down by the river [Shannon]. 

That felt right, I knew straight away that she was the one for me. And I was kind of hoping she'd feel the same way. I kind of knew she did, actually, weirdly. When that happens, you get this feeling, a certain immediate bond between people.

Wrong place?

I’ve been in situations where I've been invited to things that I shouldn't have gone to and I've felt like an exhibit. I was never really keenly aware of the Irish class system, but sometimes I'm at dinner with people who just have a different way of seeing the world, a different way of speaking, and they're kind of leaning in to try to make out what I'm saying because they've no fucking idea, and I just feel, ‘Oh god, I shouldn't be at dinner with these people’. 

I just wish that I could go home, and you can't, you have to be polite and finish your meal. When I'm in a situation where I'm supposed to be networking, that's when I feel I should be in bed asleep or in the pub with the lads. It’s one of the most grisly fucking things a human can be subjected to. God, it's awful.

When you read a book that changed your life?

I know it sounds very cliché, but I do think actually that Doris Lessing's novel, The Grass Is Singing, changed my life. 

I remember thinking to myself, I would love to write a book that's as tense as that someday. I don't think I've ever achieved it, but it's the most incredibly crafted novel, the tone is just so oppressive.

A pinch me moment?

The only time I really ever felt that triumph and rightness about my writing career was when I had my first meeting with the Lilliput Press in 2010. Anthony Farrell agreed to publish two of my novels, the day I met him was great. 

I brought Spinning Heart with me because they had a copy of The Thing About December on file for a couple of years and that day, Anthony said ‘Yeah we'll publish these two books next year’. 

The year after, I went out to my car and I was really emotional. I rang Anne-Marie to tell her, I just felt as though ‘This is it’. It felt like blind luck as well. It was the most classically writer-y moment I've ever had, the kind of age old story of the person trying to get published and life changing immediately.

A time where you felt heartbroken?

When my parents died. I know everyone loses their parents, but it is something that really affects your life, and the whole world changes when your parents die.

When you felt quintessentially Irish?

I always feel very Irish when I'm not in Ireland. I always feel as though I don't have an accent until I meet people who go, ‘Oh my God, your Irish accent is incredible’. I'm never quite sure if they mean incredibly nice or incredibly weird or, unintelligible. 

I was in New York with the UL summer school a few years ago and I do think that rural Irish people stick out sometimes like a sore tum and places like that, in a good way.

A time when you felt pride?

When my kids are happy and content, and it feels as though I've been a good parent that day, I feel proud. Parenting is a guilt-laden activity, so when you feel you get it right, there's a lot of pride involved. When your parents are proud of you, that's when you feel proudest, I think.

When you met one of your heroes?

The first time I met Joe O'Connor, it was at the Irish Book Awards shortlist announcement in 2012, and Joe was looking really cool. Anne-Marie was there going, “There's Joseph O'Connor, you love him. You love his books. Go over and say hello to him. You won't get this chance again’.” 

And I couldn’t do it, I'm too shy. But I remember being so proud of being in the same room as Joseph O'Connor. We've become friends and colleagues afterwards, he's kind of my boss now.

When you thought you might get arrested?

Oh god, that's actually happened a few times, usually around stag weekends, while out with the lads with our heads off, like idiots in a big gang. Things always get out of hand. I found in my experience that cops are fairly understanding when you have big groups of rowdy men, if no one's getting angry, I think it's usually okay.

I've detected a bit of an overreaction lately where people can get expelled from college over stealing a traffic cone and everything. I mean, who cares? You shouldn't pick up a traffic cone and run down the street with it on your head, but it is funny, and it should be forgiven. If you have drunk students on a street and there are traffic cones, it's just inevitable.

A time you wish you could have back?

Anytime I made somebody feel bad with my own stupidity and clumsiness, I'd go back to all those moments and shut my mouth. Nearly all of my regrets in life involve me saying too much, and I'm not even the biggest talker, I'm mostly silent, but sometimes, I really fuck up.

A time where you felt you should have said more?

I feel like that about things that happened in school, actually. Where I should have intervened more forcefully for guys who were getting a hard time. I really enjoyed school, but it could be hard and cruel. 

I was a bit quiet when guys were getting a hard time, because I suppose I was kind of afraid it could be me if I said anything. I think everybody carries some guilt, some baggage from their school experiences.

• Donal Ryan’s latest novel, Heart, be at Peace , is out now. Ryan will read at the UL Creative Writing Festival on April 9.
• The festival  runs at the Limerick university April 9-12. Other participants include Marian Keyes, Paul Lynch and Joseph O’Connor. See www.ul.ie/artsoc/events/bestselling-author-marian-keyes-to-visit-ul-creative-writing-festival-2025