Lighten Up: 'James Bond' producers look to West Cork
Denis Lehane: If Bond had the 'cúpla focal' it would broaden his appeal in Connemara.'
Things are at a very delicate stage right now. I can't really reveal too much.
All I can say is that I will probably be the next James Bond, but don't go shouting that around the village.
Contracts still have to be signed. Hands still have to be spat on.
I was approached about the gig late last year when weanling numbers were falling back at the mart.
Seeing that I had time on my hands, the powers that be struck. Big money was mentioned, I was all ears.
They were desperate. And desperate times, call for desperate measures — hence the midnight call to auld Lehane.
"We read your articles vigorously each week out here in Beverly Hills," a man from the movie industry said over the phone.
And that didn't surprise me in the least, , I dare say, is as popular up there in the Hollywood Hills as it is on the top of Barna.
Indeed, considering my good looks, my adequate hair cover, and debonair charms, the only surprise was that the Bond role hadn't been offered to me years ago.
"Yerra," said, the big wig in Hollywood "we made a terrible mistake, we realize that now."
"Brosnan was only handy and as for Craig, sure God help us," he then laughed "a child could do better."
T'was a sad reflection on 60 years of movies. But now things will hopefully pick up, with auld Lehane steering the 007 ship.
Anyhow, as I said, big money was being flashed about and when money is a rarity, as it is in farming, sure a fellow can be rightly dazzled.
The first will filmed in the outskirts of Macroom. and will be shot somewhere near Clonakilty.
West Cork will be used, in all its splendour, as a backdrop for all three movies — giving the West Cork tourist trade a mighty boost, equivalent I suspect to giving an easy going chap a kick up the rear end.
All will have the stamp of Bond, but with a farming twist on them or "Farming Chic" as the movie moguls are calling it.
"Call it what you like," says I, "so long as the cheque doesn't bounce, I couldn't care less.
"Once the silage is over and the ploughing event has concluded, I'll be ready for the tuxedo and the dry martini," I quipped, just like 007 himself.
I have suggested that they bring back a few of the older ladies from previous Bond movies to spruce things up, and also, to rehire your man with the bowler hat — the hat that spins like an angle grinder when he throws it.
All these suggestions and more have been greeted with tremendous bouts of enthusiasm. A joy similar to announcing that I had the winning numbers for next Saturday night's lotto jackpot.
I also pushed hard to get Irish included in 007's lingo.
"If Bond had the 'cúpla focal', it would broaden his appeal in Connemara," I argued.
"Is mise James Bond," could well be my catchphrase as I hold a voluptuous lady in one hand and a strong drink in the other.
James Bond will most certainly return and, when he does, the hope is that it will be auld Lehane who is there holding his gun and saving the world.
