Sex File: I miss the secrecy of our early relationship

As you rightly point out, there are certain upsides to secrecy.

Mon, 24 Mar, 2025 - 07:44

Suzi Godson

I have been with my partner for around six months; the first three of which were in secret as we were work colleagues. Those early months were filled with excitement and passion, but since making it official, some of that seems to have gone. Is it possible that we mistook the thrill of having that shared secret for something more serious than it is?

Although workplace relationships can be an HR nightmare, they are fairly common, particularly among younger staff. There is of course the risk of a power imbalance, which can lead to favouritism while the relationship is in play, and discrimination if it fails. However, risk has never stopped humans from doing unwise things. Last year a survey of 2,000 people carried out by Forbes and OnePoll in America found that 60% of adults had had a workplace romance. The most surprising thing about that survey was that an incredible 43% of office relationships ended in marriage. The Forbes survey did also find that 40% of workplace affairs had involved cheating on another partner, however, so if that is how your relationship started, it might explain why you were so circumspect in those first few months.

As you rightly point out, there are certain upsides to secrecy. Hiding a relationship amplifies erotic intensity and keeps you in a perpetual state of adrenaline-fuelled excitement. An unsustainable state of obsession which, from an evolutionary perspective, is designed to get humans to date, mate and procreate - and it is so intense that it cannot possibly last.

You and your partner have been on a six-month rollercoaster ride that has suddenly come to a halt, but that's not something to be scared of. The downturn in sexual intensity that you are experiencing may simply be a period of readjustment as things settle down and your relationship finds a more normal, sustainable equilibrium.

Now that you can have sex whenever you want, the motivation to grab every opportunity to have it is not quite so strong.

However, the compensation for a less frantic sex life is a growing emotional connection, which is important. And because your relationship is still so new, it won't be hard to regain your former sizzle. The key ingredient is novelty - and I don't just mean that in the context of sex.

After months of hiding, this is an opportunity for you both to relish the ability to experience things together in a way that you were not able to when your relationship was being kept secret, so keep doing new things together. Try out new activities. Keep having conversations and learning about each other. Have fun, challenge yourselves and build your shared memory bank.

Staying physically connected at every opportunity will also help to deepen intimacy and connection. Hold hands. Cuddle up on the sofa. Sleep naked. Touch increases oxytocin levels, which foster deeper levels of attachment. And finally, keep your sex life interesting by being interested in sex. Talk about sex in the same way that you talk about everything else. Don't restrict it to the bedroom. Learn how to read each other sexually and be curious about each other's responses.

Getting to know someone completely takes a lifetime and then some, and in long-term relationships, sexual pleasure is as much about intimacy and trust as it is about passion, excitement and chemistry. Less thrilling maybe, but much more rewarding and a lot less exhausting; a stage of the relationship to look forward to.