Dear Dáithí: My daughters are upset I want my new partner to move into the family home

Recently, I met a very nice lady through a walking club I am involved with. She is a widow as well. She is 12 years younger than I am, but we have an awful lot in common, and to be perfectly honest, at my age (76), the age difference really does not matter one bit.

We have spoken about moving our relationship to the next level, including her moving in with me. I have a four-bedroom house, and I feel ready to make this commitment. It would be nice to have a woman’s touch around the place again.

The issue is my daughters. They are very upset about this and feel that her moving in would be disrespectful to the memory of their mother. They have also, in a very roundabout way, brought up concerns about inheritance — specifically, who the house will be left to if my partner is living there.

I don’t want to upset them. They are extremely good daughters and a big part of my life. Indeed, my grandchildren often have sleepovers with me, and we have Sunday brunch most weeks together in my home. I understand that this change will impact them.

They get along very well with my partner; it’s just the idea of her moving in that concerns them.

Should I leave well enough alone? Or is this my last chance to deepen my relationship and enjoy true companionship with my partner?

IT’S clear from the start of your letter that you had a wonderful life with your wife, sharing many happy years together and raising a lovely family. I can only imagine what you went through when you lost her.

It has been 10 years — a decade in which you have mourned, processed your grief, and learned to live without her. You have been through a lot. Now, at 76 — or should I say only 76 — you are at a point where you are ready to embrace life again. When I was young, 76 seemed old, but that is no longer the case. Realistically, you could have another 20 years ahead of you, all going well, and that’s where we need to focus today.

You have found a true companion — someone who shares your passions and has also experienced the loss of a beloved spouse. Now, you both want to move forward together. This is wonderful news. I think you are very lucky to have found each other. You know what you want, and you should go for it. Life is for living.

I’ll be very direct with you: Your wife sadly passed away 10 years ago. You are in no way betraying her or her memory by finding happiness again. We live in the present, not in the past. If you had met someone else just 10 weeks or even 10 months after her passing and were considering moving in together, I might advise caution. But that is not the case here.

I believe your daughters struggle with this because they fear — though they don’t know — that your new partner will somehow replace their mother or make people forget about her. That is simply not true. The reality is, no one is forgetting anyone. This is about you living in the present — your present, in 2025.

Your relationship with your daughters and grandchildren will remain the same — if not improve — because you have found someone to share your life with. 

Your daughters should be happy for you, not standing in the way of your happiness. 

If anything, they should take comfort in knowing you won’t be alone, either physically or emotionally. This is a win-win situation.

Now, where is the real conflict? Your daughters are worried about your partner moving in and what happens to the house if you pass before her. Let’s not rush ahead and write the end of the story just yet —let’s stay here, in 2025.

This is your house, and you have the right to decide what happens in it. If you wanted to invite the entire Kerry Football Team to move in, you could do it (and I’d be over for a visit!). If your daughters took a step back, they would realise that your partner has a house of her own. Their concerns about inheritance may be unfounded. But, as the old saying goes, where there’s a will, there’s a relative. Maybe I’m being a bit harsh, but I dislike when people focus on what they stand to gain rather than the well-being of their loved ones.

That said, you have a great relationship with your daughters, and we want to keep it that way. I suggest sitting them down and
explaining your decision after you and your partner have finalised your plans — on your timeline, not theirs. This is your life, and you are in
control of it. If you want to, you can explain what will happen with the house when the time comes. If you don’t want to or if you haven’t
decided yet, simply tell them they will find out in due course.

Reassure them that your partner is not replacing anyone. Their mother will always be incredibly special to you, just as your partner’s late
husband will always hold a place in her heart. Respect goes both ways.

Most importantly, help them understand what your partner means to you and how your life has changed for the better since meeting her. You have one major advantage: Your daughters already like your partner. They trust her and have a good relationship with her.

Once they see how happy she makes you — and how life at home continues as normal, especially when the grandkids visit — I think their concerns will ease.

I asked earlier where the conflict truly lies, and at its core, it stems from your daughters’ uncertainty. Clear that up, and everything else will fall into place.

Now, go and enjoy life, young man! You are incredibly fortunate to have found another true companion. Make the most of it.