ADHD in women: 'If I was told I could take away my ADHD, I’m not sure I would'
Dr. Michele Hill, consultant psychiatrist in adult ADHD. Photograph: Moya Nolan
ADHD in females is often called “invisible ADHD” because they tend to mask the behaviours, leading to a later diagnosis compared to their male counterparts.
“The common understanding we have when we think about ADHD is noisy boys in the back of the classroom,” says Sara Falconer, of ADHD Ireland.
“But in women and girls, it manifests very differently. They tend to internalise, so there’s a lot of masking, and they feel like they have to work extra hard to over-compensate for what they see as a failing.”
This difference between men and women with ADHD is the main topic of an event on March 7, titled ‘How Women ADHD’, which will be held at the Cork Deaf Association on MacCurtain St.
ADHD is a neurological disorder impacting around five per cent of people in Ireland. Between the ages of eight and 12, boys are four times more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than girls.
Singer-songwriter Louise Barry, who was diagnosed with ADHD when she was 41, had that feeling of trying hard and failing for most of her life, which led to low self-esteem.
“I’ve been in a dance class, and I would pick up whatever was done in front of me instantly,” Barry says. “It was like I absorbed it in all of my being. But when I tried to practise later that evening or the next day, it felt like the whole thing had been wiped from my memory. I remember being in class one day and one of my teachers [saying], ‘You are one of my talented students, yet you just can’t get it’, and that’s been my experience from starting out in school up to recent life.”
Barry couldn’t understand how she was trying so hard, but still “failing”. She struggled without a structure. An ADHD trait called time blindness means she doesn’t have a clear understanding of what an hour looks like. “Even though I live 24 hours every day like everyone else, I don’t understand it. And that affected me in situations, like if I had a paper due in three months, I wouldn’t understand that I should start that next week.”
Difficulty with time management is a common trait of ADHD and relates to executive function. Without clear structure and steps, women with ADHD can have difficulty remembering and following through on tasks.
Understandably, women with ADHD can struggle to multitask in the way society expects them to, such as managing a household and parenting responsibilities, says Falconer.
“If we think about the expectations that go with ‘normal’ married couples, where a lot of the tasks and administration falls to the woman, there’s a lot of pressure here, and women with ADHD find it especially difficult.”
Dr Michele Hill, a consultant adult psychiatrist, was diagnosed with ADHD at age 40. She says ADHD touches every part of her life.
“My biggest problem is with working memory. I can be on fire in meetings or interviews when the topic is fresh in my head, but if I’m caught off guard or not in the space, I can sound like I know nothing, even if that’s far from the truth.
“On top of that, routine tasks like laundry, grocery shopping, scheduling, and even packing for trips can be a nightmare and exhaust me. I’m constantly battling with procrastination and overscheduling myself.”
On receiving an ADHD diagnosis, many women tend to feel relief. For Barry, it gave her a type of instruction manual.
“I remember hearing someone describing undiagnosed ADHD as being ‘inside the bottle and not being able to read the label’.
“After you get a diagnosis, you start being able to read the label on the bottle; you suddenly have a recipe for understanding how your brain works. You understand you’ve got problems with executive functioning, which means your brain doesn’t understand certain things, And so you begin to be able to get structures in place. You start to understand that this is not a character defect. It’s not about you not trying hard enough. It’s just that your brain doesn’t have enough dopamine; the neurotransmitters in your brain, for some reason, on some days, don’t fire the same way as everyone else.”
For women coming to the ADHD Ireland support group in Cork, there is a sense of comfort, says Falconer.
“It’s not just them. It’s not that they’re not trying hard enough, They’re not stupid, and it’s not their fault, and that’s a huge relief for so many members.”
When she was diagnosed, Hill says she felt a rollercoaster of emotions.
“I felt relieved — finally, there was an explanation for those little contradictions in my behaviour. At the same time, I was very upset — it felt like I was finding out there was something wrong with me. I remember being quite tearful and spending a lot of time re-examining past experiences from this new perspective.
“So it was bittersweet — finding clarity, but also coming to terms with a whole new way of looking at myself.”
Hearing from other women who experience ADHD is a real eye-opener, says Barry.
“When I heard their stories, I could relate to that much more than I could to the clinical descriptions of ADHD. Being part of the ADHD community with ADHD Ireland is vital, especially when you’re first diagnosed. Hearing others’ stories can give you an understanding of who you are and a lot more compassion for yourself.”
Being hard on yourself is a common trait for those with ADHD.
“I can be hard on myself and, occasionally, even end up in tears over what I see as my shortcomings. Humour and my family and friends help me keep things in perspective, but there are definitely days when the extra mental load feels too much,” says Hill.
Self-understanding and self-compassion are helpful for women with ADHD who may have spent a lifetime listening to internal and external criticism.
“When women receive an ADHD diagnosis, they can often experience a type of grieving over the struggles they’ve faced over the years. Once they get a diagnosis, they can start to learn those coping strategies, rather than forcing themselves to fit in to systems that don’t work well with their ADHD brains,” says Falconer.
“For every sentence you give us, we can see 10 or 15 ways to look at that sentence. It’s not that we are hyper to the point that we can’t focus. We focus on so much, and it can look like a distraction,” says Barry.
On the flip side, this hyperfocus can lead to a person excelling in something they’ve set their mind to. “Some people with ADHD are often described as having ‘Ferrari brain’, where their brain works incredibly fast. If they find something they’re passionate about, they will often excel in it,” says Falconer.
Barry, who is a singer-songwriter, actor, and dancer, finds that her ADHD also positively influences her creativity. “I’m an incredible improviser. My brain works really fast. I can do things like writing a song almost at the mic. I can write harmonies, melodies, and chorus structures.”
It’s a similar story for Hill: “I think I bring a great degree of passion, fun and creativity to my life and work, and have access to out-of-the-box thinking and prolonged bouts of hyperfocus, and I have ADHD to thank for that.
“If I was told tomorrow that I could take away my ADHD, I’m not sure that I would. I would say that ADHD is both my greatest asset and my biggest curse.”
