Author interview: ‘Women’s fear of being unkind can limit what we challenge’

Despite best efforts, the gender divide is alive and well. 

For example, wander down the children’s clothing aisles or shop online and you will be assailed by tops and T-shirts for girls bearing unicorns and slogans about being happy, pretty, or kind, while the boys’ apparel is festooned with dinosaurs, skateboards, and messages to be tough and adventurous.

‘Be Kind’ in particular is a message that remains a gendered one as those girls become women.

Invariably, they will be the ones who are expected to be mindful of other’s feelings, to keep anger in check, and to sacrifice their own interests to care for others. 

It’s a subject that Victoria Smith explores in her latest book, (Un)kind: How ‘Be Kind’ Entrenches Sexism. 

Starting with the #JustBeKind trend on social media, it examines the way in which kindness culture is sold to women and girls in areas ranging from self-help to social justice activism, but in a way that disempowers them socially, politically, and economically.

“The book is certainly not against kindness as a concept but I was sensing that a lot of the ‘be kind’ messaging was particularly directed at girls,” Victoria Smith says.

I’ve got sons, and it’s just not directed at them in the same way — I want them to be kind people too.

“It felt like this whole kindness messaging was flying under the radar, because, in some ways, it gets coded as a progressive message, that it is to do with inclusion, with diversity; what could anyone have against kindness?

“It puts women and girls in a very difficult position, and it becomes a way of reinforcing norms that they’re actually trying to push against.” 

Smith acknowledges that her stance won’t be greeted kindly by a lot of people.

“I don’t like being considered unkind but I think women’s fear of being considered unkind can sometimes limit what we ask and what we challenge.

“When I look back to when I was younger, there were things I put up with that I wouldn’t put up with now because I just wanted to be considered a nice, kind person.”

In her previous best-selling book, Hags, Smith tackled the demonisation of middle-aged women and the misogynistic and ageist hijacking of terms such as ‘Karen’, which has become a derogatory term to describe an assertive older woman. 

Unkind continues the theme of how many people are uncomfortable with women who dare to be unkind or selfish, because it doesn’t serve society’s interests to have women give up their caring roles.

“Now you’ve got this massive pushback with people like Mark Zuckerberg saying ‘we need more masculine energy and we’re not gonna do this’.

“Every which way, the people who are doing the caring work are losing out.

“I think a lot of the ‘be kind’ rhetoric focused on ideas of identity that are quite self-contained, rather than on dependency on care work and the invisible work that some people do and other people benefit from.

“There’s a real risk that pushing back against these superficial ‘be kind’ messages will just lead to a continuation of the care workers and people who actually do need real change being ignored.”

It is also the case that women are expected to be beacons of niceness and kindness at a time when cases of femicide are on the rise and they are subjected to increasing misogyny and violence. 

As a sex that is conditioned to be kind and caring, it is often hard for women to fend off unwelcome attention or say no in a relationship. 

In Unkind, Smith cites the short story ‘Cat Person’ by Kristen Roupenian that went viral because of its resonance with so many women. 

In the story, the female protagonist feels pressured into having sex with a man who she ultimately is not attracted to.

“So many women have been in that situation where maybe they don’t want to sleep with someone, but they think ‘I’ve gone so far, I don’t want to be considered a bitch’.

“They go along with it because they know that all the niceness up to that will be considered leading someone on the minute they withdraw it.”

Extreme impact of pornography on younger men

The book also deals with the often extreme impact of pornography on younger men and how it conditions them to see women as existing to satisfy their needs.

“The kind of relationships they see in porn shape this broader idea of woman as innately submissive, masochistic and passive,” she says.

Much of how the world works is predicated on women’s kindness, in terms of housework, caring responsibilities and emotional labour. 

Being kind is still an expectation in a world where equality for women still seems a far-off prospect in many respects, as their hard-won rights are rolled back.

“Gender norms in terms of the expectation that women provide certain services to men, the way they’re packaged and the way they’re sold change with each generation, but often the underlying expectations remain very similar.

“Many surveys of younger men are showing that they’re not more open-minded in terms of women’s roles and a lot of them have even expressed the view that feminism has gone too far.

“I find it quite hard to imagine things getting more equal for the next generation of women.” 

Smith also deals with the double standard of those who preach kindness and tolerance on social media platforms, while practising the opposite in their interactions with anyone who questions their position.

“Online spaces have created this real polarisation, where people say things that they wouldn’t say to your face in real life.

“Often the worst cruelty can be from people who think they’re doing something good and virtuous.

“And if you have convinced yourself that someone else is really, really terrible, the normal rules don’t apply.

“That has become a real thing in online spaces — that the other side are almost non-people.

“But as I say in the book, there’s always been an issue with left-wing men and what they think about feminism.

“I think some of them have really enjoyed being able to attack feminist women while claiming to be better feminists themselves.”

When women criticise the sex trade or trans politics they can really go for them and tell them they’re terrible. That has been quite depressing.

Smith says it is vital that we tell the younger generation of women that it is not always in their own interests to be kind: 

“In the book, I discuss the research which found that as girls go through adolescence they stop expressing their own needs and put other people first.

“It is important that little girls are encouraged to assert their own needs and know when to say no.”

(Un)kind is a fascinating and well-researched study of how a deceptively positive slogan can have a far-reaching impact on how women are viewed and treated.

“The ‘be kind’ message isn’t always kind and we need to interrogate who is asking what of whom.

“There are still real double standards in who is expected to be kind to who and how kindness is understood in men and how it is understood in women.

“When women say no or are perceived as being unkind they are often just protecting their interests. That is something we need to recognise more.”