Sex File: Should we build anticipation with a sex schedule or a ban?

"Scheduling sex can create a sense of obligation, which for some people doesn't always feel particularly sexy. On the plus side, it does mean that you actually do have sex."

Mon, 24 Feb, 2025 - 10:29

Suzi Godson

We've been married for eight years and are not having much sex any more. We have discussed scheduling sex, but I worry this will turn sex into a tick-box exercise: mechanical and unspontaneous.

My wife has read that a sex ban could help to boost desire, but I'm not sure how that would work, given we're essentially having one already. What do you think would be better?

Both are intentional attempts to breathe life into an ailing sexual connection, and both have pros and cons. Scheduling sex can create a sense of obligation, which for some people doesn't always feel particularly sexy. On the plus side, it does mean that you actually do have sex. Scheduling forces you to prioritise sex, and once you are in the moment and arousal kicks in, you will very likely soon stop caring whether it was in the calendar or not.

A sex ban is predicated on the idea that withholding sex creates some space for desire to grow. The theory behind this is that distance creates psychological anticipation, so you begin to look forward to having sex. It's also a bit of reverse psychology: being told that you can't do something motivates you to want to do it more. However, for couples who have already stopped having sex, introducing a sex ban just gives them permission to do more of the same. You and your wife would essentially be agreeing not to do something that you are already not doing. You would also have to impose some sort of a deadline for ending the ban, and that would mean getting a date in the diary and ... see previous paragraph.

When couples stop having sex altogether, there is usually something else going on. Sex is a pretty accurate barometer for the rest of a relationship, so rekindling sexual intimacy generally requires you to figure out what else might be coming between you.

Work commitments and family responsibilities are generally the biggest drain on people's time and energy, but couples often stop having sex for much more mundane reasons. Habituation and common laziness mean that couples who have been together for a long time are naturally less sexually driven. Not talking about this gradual decline makes things worse. Unresolved feelings of rejection or resentment will smoulder away until they eventually burn the house down.

All couples spend the first few years in a state of blissful union, but the rose-coloured glasses eventually come off, and if a couple doesn't lock in and adjust to their new reality, they begin to drift. The best way for any couple, at any point in their marriage, to improve their sexual relationship is to improve their emotional connection because, in a long-term relationship, you will only ever continue to have sex if you actually like each other. Unfortunately, most people forget this important point and leave positive interventions like couples counselling until they are way too late to be of any use.

I would suggest that if you have stopped having sex, imposing sex schedules or sex bans is unlikely to deliver the same results as finding ways to talk and connect more emotionally. This might mean paying a professional to help you unpack your baggage, but it's worth it if it helps you to find a way back to each other.