However, the real justice for me came in recovery. Recovery from post-traumatic stress disorder, chronic fear, anxiety, sleep deprivation, and total loss of self. The criminal justice system did not give me that — nor could it. 

But therapy, understanding my post-traumatic responses and the love and support of those closest to me, allowed me to live a life without fear, and to do a job that I love in supporting those who are in psychological distress. For a time, I thought that life was impossible, and particularly during the legal process.

The act of sexual violence is a breach of body and mind. The true impact of trauma is not the physical act or acts; but everything that comes next. Reliving the terror, constantly being on edge, and for many, including myself for a time, no longer being able to continue normal life, work, friendships, and relationships. 

Life disintegrates, people walk away, and many of us blame ourselves for what happened to us. This is where therapy can save lives and restore what can seem stolen and irretrievable.

Therapy offers a way to explore and make sense of our experiences. A therapist’s primary aim is to create a space; physical and psychological, that is safe for our clients to say what they have often kept silent and may even have been afraid to admit to themselves. 

There can be an element for some of a confessional box, and outside of obligations under the Children First legislation, we offer confidentiality and no judgement to what is said. We understand what might be said in one session may be presented very differently in the next — and this is not a contradiction, but the reality that a client may feel differently about the same thing on a different day. 

For example, in an initial session, a client may reveal a traumatic experience, but say it wasn’t that big a deal. However, some sessions later, they may revisit that impression as they feel ready, or perhaps when they have had time to reflect on their experiences and the impact differently. 

Therapy can offer a space to make sense of the pain, confusion, and 'stuckness' that trauma creates in us. It is supposed to be a place to explore in safety and without fear of any repercussions.

Some will say therapists need to keep their notes to a minimum to keep clients safe from how those notes might be used in court, and indeed many of us do for this very reason. I do not wish to offer my clients a space where someone else might be listening in.

Those of us working therapeutically with trauma work hard to create a space that allows for disclosures of pain. We consider the lighting, what pictures are on the walls, how we sit, what questions we ask. How can we do this in any meaningful or effective way if there is a chance those very notes might be taken and used openly in court? How can we offer safety when we have no way to protect the sanctity of what happens in the therapy room?

Consider yourself as the person who has built themselves up to seek therapy — no small thing for any person — and suddenly you realise that the court might seek and read your notes. Many others will read them too, including the person who has violated you, their defence team, the prosecution, and the judge… It feels like a spectre listening at the door. 

I don’t know how anyone could speak openly if they thought so many people would be listening in. This can push victims and survivors into silence, which compounds trauma.

What is the merit of this practice? From a professional perspective, are there policies and procedures that guide the process of reading and interpreting notes? Are there standards around what information is cited or left out? 

If in one session a client says that they are feeling nothing about an incident, but the following week says they are highly distressed, which is cited in court? It can be true that one might ‘feel nothing’ one day, but the following week feel a flood of emotions — trauma experts understand that both of those states can be indicative of a trauma response. 

The use of therapy notes in a legal setting is harmful because not only is it an invasion of the client’s privacy, but it leaves those notes open to interpretation by unqualified people who have vested interests in a legal outcome.

There is an arrogance and entitlement to the legal system’s assumption that they can access client notes and refer to them in the absence of a clinician or therapist to speak to the content. Why not approach the therapist to write a report based on their work with someone, and with the consent of the individual? Surely this would be more concise and more helpful. 

Where there are physical injuries, a medical file with detailed physical health descriptions would not be interpreted and cited in court by counsel. Most likely a report would be requested and the clinician would be asked to talk the court through it. Why does this differ when it comes to mental health?

The legal system operates so differently to how we work therapeutically. It's purpose is to establish facts and apply the law accordingly — it is black and white. Therapists work in the grey areas — we look to possibilities, we are curious about beliefs and meanings, we draw hypotheses about what might be happening internally for our clients, which our notes may reflect. 

Their lived reality might shift over time in how they understand what happened to them — this is hardly useful in determining the facts of the case and whether someone can be found guilty or not. It is impossible to see the taking of therapy notes and their use as anything other than a way to discredit the individual, and a violation of their pain, experiences, and vulnerability.

Helplines

There will be people reading this piece who have experienced sexual violence recently, or perhaps some time ago, who may have not spoken to anyone yet. You may be on the precipice of disclosing and now feel it is too risky. Please do not feel you have to be safer in silence. 

If talking to a GP or healthcare professional feels uncertain for you right now, given these public discourses, consider calling a helpline. Helplines are a powerful resource as you have control; you have full anonymity, you can hang up the phone if it feels too much, you can call as many times as you need to, and there are no records of who you are.

I know and remember that shame and silence; the path out of trauma does not lie in being alone or silent.

• Dr Niamh Ní Dhomhaill is a Chartered Senior Clinical Psychologist and a survivor of rape. Her fee for this article is being donated to the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre.
• The 24 Hour Rape Crisis Helpline is contactable on 1800 778888.

- If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please click here for a list of support services.