Sex File: I’ve never reached orgasm with a partner

The man you are in a relationship with has not had the benefit of a lifelong sexual relationship with your body, so has a lot to learn.

Mon, 17 Feb, 2025 - 11:17

Suzi Godson

I'm a 55-year-old woman who has been in a few long-term relationships. I've been with my current boyfriend for eight years and I'm very happy. My problem is that I can orgasm on my own but have never done so with a partner. Any advice?

One of the reasons your solo orgasms are so reliable is because you are in tune with your body and can deliver the type of stimulation you require. It's easier for women to orgasm through masturbation. With a man, there is a lot more for you to do and think about. The man you are in a relationship with has not had the benefit of a lifelong sexual relationship with your body, so has a lot to learn.

Something many contend with when they enter into a sexual relationship is their inner critic. It's that internal monologue of, "I'm taking too long; I might as well give up", which is called "spectatoring". It's common, and by getting stuck in your own head, you distract yourself so much that it becomes harder to orgasm.

One of the other issues is that female masturbation is so different from intercourse. For men, the transition from masturbation to intercourse is straightforward but the most sexually sensitive part of the female body is centimetres away from the vaginal opening. Female masturbation is often largely focused on stimulating the clitoris as it contains so many nerve endings.

Although women instinctively use the clitoris to boost arousal in masturbation, when they have penetrative sex with a man, all too often there is a hope that they will be able to achieve the same outcome by doing something completely different.

Most men have a lot to learn but one helpful step along that road is if women give them advice. It is also about having the courage to stop chasing climax and focus on what you are feeling. Sex therapists use a technique called "sensate focus" to help to improve intimacy and communication. It aims to aid couples in letting go of expectations so they can be more mindful of the sensual experience of touch. Rather than having sex, you spend time talking about what touch feels like. If you can have an open conversation, you should be able to share the technique that works.

Another simple way to improve your shared sex life is to show your partner what feels good. If your go-to is clitoral stimulation, for example, it shouldn't be too difficult to show him your technique.

Try setting an initial goal to orgasm in his presence. You may feel self-conscious but once you can climax in front of him, then with his help, everything will change. Having a reliable method of achieving orgasm means you can fall back on a tried-and-tested manoeuvre if penetration fails to deliver. It may feel daunting at first but getting more comfortable with your body will increase your chance of achieving orgasm during intercourse. As someone once said: "Free your mind and the rest will follow."