Sex File: I don't want to share a bedroom with my new partner
Are you sure you have thought it all through and that you are really ready to do this? Picture: iStock
When a relationship ends in divorce, it disrupts much more than a marriage. It destroys people's self-esteem, thwarts their expectations for the future and makes it much harder to trust in new relationships. After a divorce, no matter how amicable it is, it can take a long time to accept what has happened, adjust to your new reality and find happiness as a single person. That you have managed to do that so successfully is really admirable.
It's also great that you have found love again and want to take it to the next level. Relationships have a natural trajectory. The more committed a couple becomes, the more likely it is that they will want to share a home or even have a family, so I can understand why moving in together seems like an obvious next step. It can't have been an easy decision to make, so you obviously believe this relationship has what it takes to last the distance. However, if you are hankering after a separate bedroom, are you sure you have thought it all through and that you are really ready to do this?
Without wishing to be a Debbie Downer, there is a lot more to living with someone than sharing a bedroom. It's not particularly romantic, but you need to have practical discussions about domestic and financial roles and responsibilities. Those boring conversations you ignore right now are the distressing arguments you are likely to end up having at some point in the future. It's much better to go into this with your eyes open, because how you navigate hypothetical "differences" now will give you a glimpse of what might happen when those differences are real.
Don't get me wrong, there are all sorts of positives to separate bedrooms. From maintaining novelty to accommodating different sleep patterns, they can be great, but the decision to sleep apart is one that couples tend to arrive at together, usually after they have shared a bedroom for some time and discovered certain incompatible habits. Choosing separate bedrooms from the outset could make you indistinguishable from housemates, and that's clearly not what your partner has in mind.
Because you seem to have doubts about your ability to commit to cohabitation, I think you would be wise to make a few decisions that help to give you a sense of psychological safety while you make this transition. Moving in together is a big step, but you don't have to do it in one go. If it is financially viable, hang on to your own home for a while. It will mean you have somewhere to escape to if you need space, and if it turns out that you never use it, you'll feel more confident about letting it go. Alternatively, if this place is big enough for separate bedrooms, why not use that extra room to create an environment that reflects who you are. You might turn it into a work space, a yoga studio, or even better, a fun place to have sex. When you live with someone you spend much more time "sleeping" together than you do having sex, so in the long run a little love nest could end up being much more useful than a separate bedroom.
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