Sex File: All my friends rave about using toys — am I missing out?
Sex toys can provide a temporary thrill but they are no substitute for connection between you and your partner
Your friends are obviously excited about what they are getting from their new sex toys but that doesn't mean you and your husband are missing anything. Vibrators make it easier and faster to achieve orgasm so more and more women are using them alone and with a partner. It's hard to get an exact figure for how many women have one - sex toy companies estimate about 55 per cent but academic research suggests the number is much higher. The most robust academic research dates back to 2010, when Debbie Herbernick at Indiana University in the US conducted a study with 3,800 women aged 18 to 60 and found that more than half regularly used vibrators.
Herbernick's study captured a growth period in the sex toy market that began in the early Nineties, when companies such as Myla and Coco de Mer began selling design-led vibrators aimed at women. These looked nothing like the oversized replica genitalia that had previously defined the market. Suddenly sex toys were acceptable. By 2018 retailers such as Boots stocked them.
The leader in the field was, and still is, the Swedish company Lelo. It was one of the first to create fully rechargeable sex toys and opening them felt more like unboxing a new Apple product. More recently Lelo and other companies have embraced sensonic technology, which has revolutionised clitoral stimulation. There have been several incarnations of the Lelo Sona now, starting at about pounds 79, and it really is a phenomenal little machine. Without even making direct contact it delivers waves of pleasure that can result in a mindblowing orgasm. Although the Sona was designed for women, many men say it feels incredible too.
The Sona is probably the closest thing we have to Barbarella's orgasmatron but sometimes it seems as if vibrators now have more in common with kitchen gadgets than anything else: 32 settings that pulse, throb or gyrate, USB charging, fully waterproof, dishwasher-safe and so on. With the right sex toy you could get from a standing start to the big O in 60 seconds.
Although there is no right or wrong way to enjoy it, as you and your husband know, sex is about human connection: two people being intensely in tune with each other, knowing each other's bodies inside out and understanding what feels good. Good sex is not two people turning on a sex toy. It is two people turning on each other. Yes, vibrators can add variety and enhance pleasure, but they're not a requirement for a fulfilling sex life. In fact the more reliant we become on toys that provide a short cut to orgasm, the less likely it is that we will take the time to discover the joys of a more circuitous route to that destination. Sex toys can provide a temporary thrill but they are no substitute for connection between you and your partner - which it sounds like you already have.
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