Falling for a younger man: Are we finally ditching the age-gap double standard?

Which, in a romcom, sets up a pretext for hilarity. Lots of you-go-girl encouragement and swinging from the chandeliers. In another current release, Babygirl, Nicole Kidman’s character has an affair with an intern at the company she owns. Kidman is 57, and 28-year-old Harris Dickinson plays her lover — although it’s more about a woman coming to terms with her sexuality than the age difference.

But when this older woman-younger man relationship happens in real life, does it still elicit a snigger, a raised eyebrow, all-out disapproval and censure? Or are we finally ditching the age-gap double standard?

In showbiz, the answer seems to be yes... a bit.

Real-life older woman-younger man relationships currently include Heidi Klum (50), who married Tom Kaulitz (37) in 2018; and Sam Taylor-Johnson (57), who married Aaron Taylor-Johnson (34) in 2012 — they have two daughters.

Tilda Swinton (64) has been partnered with Sandro Kopp (46) since 2004; and Vivienne Westwood married Andreas Kronthaler in 1993 when she was 51 and he was 25 — they were together 30 years until her death two years ago.

Cher and Madonna have dated men respectively 40 and 36 years their junior.

Demi Moore was 15 years older than her ex-husband Ashton Kutcher; and Sandra Bullock was 37 when she began a two-year relationship with then 21-year-old Ryan Gosling.

Geena Davis, Jennifer Lopez and Kylie have all had relationships with significantly younger men.

The common denominator is that all of these women are powerful, wealthy, and fabulously maintained; and as such are removed from the same societal pressures as the rest of us.

In politics, however, the older woman-younger man dynamic is almost unheard of, which is why the media lost its mind over the 24-year age gap between Monsieur and Madame Macron. Old enough to be his mother is not a compliment, while old enough to be her father is more acceptable, even in less legitimate circumstances; one of Macron’s predecessors, the married Francois Mitterrand, had a secret daughter with Anne Pingeot, 27 years his junior. France shrugged. Donald Trump is 24 years older than Melania. America whooped.

Yet with older women-younger men relationships, we continue to use dismissive stereotypes such as ‘cougar’ and ‘toyboy’.

However, changing social mores, the democratisation and anonymisation of digital dating, economic parity and the fact that we are living longer and better all contribute to the slow thawing of attitudes towards the older woman / younger man dynamic.

Multiple advantages in an older woman/younger man relationship

According to 2023 US research from dating platform Match, 30% of singles have dated someone 10 or more years older than themselves — women (34%) more than men (25%). This is up 19% from a decade ago. Data from the US Census Bureau shows that 14.8% of women are now married or partnered with men between two to 20 years younger, while the TikTok hashtag #datingyoungermen has had 780million views.

“Relationships thrive on compatibility, shared interest and mutual respect, regardless of age,” says psychosexual psychotherapist Aine Ward. “It’s about the connection that the two people share.” 

She says that an older woman / younger man relationship has multiple advantages: “For the woman, she may have her career path worked out, giving her financial stability and comfort. She may have stable accommodation, her own apartment or house. Having a younger man can bring fun and a sense of excitement. 

Younger men, usually at the prime of physical health, can be more energetic as sexual partners. An older women will know and understand herself more, which younger men find attractive.

Indeed MILF porn is hugely popular — it’s the third most popular category on Pornhub, and has 10,000 hits on Amazon Kindle. People tend not to lie about their preferences in private porn searches. In his book Tell Me What You Want, social psychologist Justin Lehmiller refers to a survey of 4,000 people which revealed 88% of straight men had MILF fantasies.  

What’s the allure for men fantasising about older women?

“I think there can be less threat for a younger man who is exploring intimacy, adventure, not to have that pressure when with a same-aged woman whose biological clock is ticking,” says psychologist Malie Coyne. 

“When you date an older woman who has already done all that, this is not what she is looking for. She will have a lot of life experience, of rearing children if she’s a mum, she’ll have wisdom in friendships, wisdom in work, wisdom in the bedroom in terms of intimacy.

“And assertiveness, not being afraid to say what she needs and wants in a relationship and in the bedroom. She’ll have already dealt with difficult situations like relationship breakdowns. All of that can be very attractive to a younger man.” 

In his book Lehmiller identifies three male psychological profiles who may be attracted to older women — those who prefer women to be more sexually in control, those who enjoy pleasing a partner, and those with anxious attachment, who may benefit from the psychological security of having an older partner.

Family disapproval and social stigma

A disadvantage of the dynamic, says Aine Ward, is that “the man may lack a sense of maturity due to his age. If there is a question about having or wanting a family, the [younger] man may not be ready to be a parent.” 

However, different ageing stages affect all age-gap couples, whether it’s Catherine Zeta-Jones caring for Michael Douglas, 25 years her senior, when he was ill, or Sex Pistols' John Lydon caring for Nora Forster, 14 years his senior, until her death in 2023.

The most significant disadvantage of the older woman-younger man is still social. In terms of stigma, says Ward, “it is more frowned upon and less accepted for the women to be older than the man.” 

Family disapproval can have an impact.

In the 1980s, Val, a 50-something divorcee with adult children, married Gavin, 20 years her junior. They had a close, happy relationship, marred only by the reaction of others, including her children; terms like ‘laughing stock’ were bandied about. Having not found acceptance within their immediate social group, they moved away and remained together until Val’s death in her late 70s.

Even today, social stigma remains. In her late 40s, business owner Terry is partnered with someone 16 years her junior. She says the frequent implication from friends and family is that he will leave her, or have affairs, or both. She says she responds to curiosity about the age gap in later life with a Joan Collins quip: “If he dies, he dies.” 

“Age is an age,” says Dr Coyne. “It doesn’t matter as long as you have the main ingredients of a healthy relationship within it — feeling safe with someone, having honest and open communication, quality time together, respect, conflict resolution, growth, being appreciative of each other.

“Even if it’s not a major relationship but more an intimacy-seeking exploration, as long as those ingredients are there, then so be it. 

As long as you’ve got the basics of a healthy relationship, where everything is consensual, there can be big advantages. Both people are benefitting.

Graham is in his 30s and is in a relationship with a 50-something woman. He says he finds it more relaxing, secure, and satisfying. He wasn’t necessarily looking for an older woman. He just didn’t put an age range on his dating profile. They met, they hit it off, they’ve been together ever since.

“From a male point of view, this kind of relationship could be a real ego boost, a thing of pride — when an older woman likes him, it can be very flattering,” says Coyne. “And the older woman is more likely to just say it like it is, which can be really refreshing. The relationship dynamic of not having to be the breadwinner, not having to be the one in control, that can be very alluring as well.

“And for the older woman, the younger man is giving energy, adventure, sexual compatibility. Once women have gone through the menopause, their sexual appetite and knowledge can really increase — why wouldn’t they want to explore that with an energetic younger man?

“We all have needs, both conscious and subconscious, and the partners we choose will meet those needs — so an older woman may be looking for energy and adventure, while a younger man may be looking for a woman who knows what she wants, who may not want marriage and a family. Age doesn’t matter.”

• Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy opens in cinemas on February 13.