Sex File: I miss the lovemaking we used to have
I love my wife's body but she is self-conscious about certain positions that we always used to enjoy
Right now the best thing that you can do is to be supportive. That means prioritising her feelings and not making undue demands on her to have sex in positions that make her feel awkward or uncomfortable. It's not difficult. Stick to positions where the emphasis is on intimacy and connection. The missionary position is the most popular sexual position for a reason. It's comfortable and close and because you are focused on each other's eyes rather than each other's bodies, it will help your wife to feel less self-conscious.
A spooning position can be relaxing and low impact and allows full-body contact throughout. Try creating a relaxing environment too. Turning down the lights, lighting some candles and playing some music that you know she likes will demonstrate that you care about her and how she feels. That's going to mean an awful lot more than you telling her that you still find her attractive and want things to carry on as they were.
As I am sure you know, the early 50s can be a difficult time for women. The average age for the beginning of menopause is about 51, and although it doesn't affect every woman in the same way, very few escape without experiencing any symptoms.
Declining oestrogen levels can cause a huge range of physical symptoms: hot flushes, night sweats, sleep disturbances, weight gain, loss of skin elasticity and changes in libido. If your hair were to get thinner and your waist thicker, you might feel a bit self-conscious about your physical appearance too - and if all those changes were not enough to contend with, hormonal fluctuations can also cause irritability, anxiety, depression and mood swings.
I don't know what kind of support your wife has had from her GP, but if she hasn't spoken to a doctor, she should. HRT has had a lot of bad press, but many doctors and scientists agree that it is an effective way to reduce menopausal symptoms. Even if she decides against it, a conversation with a GP will help her to consider how she wants to manage them.
If your wife can get on top of her symptoms, her confidence should begin to increase again, and if she can get a bit more sleep she may find more energy for exercise, which is as good for the mind as it is the body. It doesn't really matter what she does as long as she gets moving. For example, recent research showed the calorie-burn from 30 minutes of gardening is comparable to playing badminton, volleyball or practising yoga, while gardening has also been linked to positive health changes such as reduced depression and anxiety and body mass.
Getting stronger and fitter will not just help your wife to feel better about her own body, it will also boost her libido. A 2018 study by Amelia Stanton at the University of Texas found that regular exercise improves mood and body image, and it enhances sexual satisfaction too. The same is true for men, so perhaps you should consider joining her.
The goal here isn't to reassure her that you still fancy her, or to keep having the sex you had in your 30s, but to allow your sex life to evolve into something equally fulfilling for both of you.
- Send your questions to suzigodson@mac.com
