Sex File: I can't make my new girlfriend orgasm
"Orgasm is an involuntary response, so you can't "give" your partner one. However, there are things you can do to maximise her chances of climaxing."
Trauma can impede a woman's ability to have an orgasm but so can being in a new relationship. When you have had sex in the same way for years on end, getting used to someone new can take a bit of time.
However, you don't actually say whether she was able to orgasm with her ex-husband. That's an important omission because this might not be a new issue.
What might be new is her decision to talk about it. If this is the case, rather than interpreting this issue as a problem you should see it as a really good sign.
It means that she wants this relationship to be open and honest in ways that her previous ones might not have been.
Orgasm is an involuntary response, so you can't "give" your partner one. However, there are things you can do to maximise her chances of climaxing.
The first thing you need to do is include more foreplay and clitoral stimulation because very few women can orgasm from penetrative sex alone.
Rather than take this issue personally, your best bet is to try not to make it a big deal. Acknowledging the issue and talking about it is better than pretending it is not happening.
Agreeing to make mutual pleasure, rather than orgasm, the priority will take the pressure off both of you.
That's important because to achieve orgasm a woman needs to be able to focus on the sensations she is experiencing, and that's difficult if she is conscious that her partner is waiting and hoping that she will have an orgasm.
The phenomenon of "spectatoring" describes how women who mentally monitor their own and their partner's responses during sex are unable to relax and enjoy stimulation for its own sake.
It impedes a woman's capacity to orgasm and, as is the case with men, once a woman fails to achieve orgasm with her partner, it leads to self-defeating and distracting thoughts that only ensure the same thing happens again next time.
When you make love, take your time and pay attention to the whole of her body rather than zeroing in on the obvious parts.
Ask her to tell you what feels good and don't make assumptions based on what your previous partners liked. Different people have different preferences.
For example, some women find nipple stimulation as arousing as clitoral stimulation. Others feel nothing. You will only find out what she likes by trying different things and asking her for feedback.
The good news is that the more the two of you get to know each other, the less likely this will be a problem.
Research involving 15,000 college students conducted in 2012 by the sociologist Elizabeth Armstrong found that in casual or new sexual encounters the ratio of male to female orgasms is 3:1.
In contrast, in established sexual relationships where sex tends to include more varied forms of stimulation, a woman has a 92% chance of achieving climax. Good luck.
- Send your questions to questions to suzigodson@mac.com
